I wonder how my life would be if I had made different choices, you know did shit the right way. I would change a lot of shit if I could, for example in 3rd grade I hurt my friend really bad, I would change that, or maybe I would tell my younger self to stand up for myself to not be scared of mom. Maybe I would of stop myself from taking that first bump of coke, or to take that blunt or pop that pill. Maybe I would tell myself to not use that gun, to not shoot, maybe.
I could be up all night, my demons seem to hunt me at night like these where i am at my weakest. I feel so drained physically and emotionally, I think i could be depressed, it seems all the symptoms apply to me. However i am lost, i don’t even know who I am anymore, just sitting here typing, looking at the screen as if it where going to help me understand anything why does life, have to be hard?
How would it feel to take someone’s life? Slowly feeling their heartbeat go numb, as you stand there holding a power that belongs to God, taking everything from this man not just his life but everything he stood for, mistakes , achievements nothing matters because he is gone. And now he rests, feeling no more pain or sorrow, feeling no happiness or excitement, how would it feel to take someone’s soul.
Soon you’ll understand that the shit you do is unnecessary and childish, you’ll know what pain is and what real friends are, you will learn about death and how it feels to lose someone, soon you will get old and want better but it’ll be too late. Soon you’ll lose the little family you got, soon you’ll be wishing to take it all back.
My head is never quiet I always ponder on questions about life, always riddled on how some people can be so naive. Some find shelter in religion masking their mistakes and believing on an entity that will forgive their “sins”, others hide in alcohol or drugs to forget and while they do that they are actually remembering. Others try to ignore the problems but at the end of the day we are all scared of what happens next.
I’m scared of failure and hide behind a mask of uncertainty and hopelessness. I’m scared of people not understanding my ideas. Far more I’m scare of myself, my thoughts, the way I reason is far beyond normal. I have no remorse nor conscience. I react instead of analyzing the situation, I’m an animal of instinct.
My name is ___________ and I’m just like everyone else. I have been through the system and followed expectations, in the process erasing myself from humanity. Believing that expectations have to be met, at all costs, the pressure of not disappointing someone is excruciating. I have lost myself and honestly don’t know where to go, the problems I have are enough to burry me alive. Honestly, I shouldn’t be here, I’m morbid, putrified by society and on top of that a bad son. How can I take advantage of that woman, she’s giving me everything and I just throw it away. I have made the most ridiculous choices, and for the first time I’ll talk about it. Even though it will be to myself it should bring peace to my mind. When did I started going wrong? I think I was borned this way, you might not understand but my life has been a series of lies and misconceptions, faking emotions and learning to adapt. It was hard for me as a kid but I learned quick. Stealing from my mothers purse was the first time I remember doing something wrong. I don’t remember most of my childhood now that I think about it, its a mistery, I have small clips of being beaten up by my mother, I remember going to a school but don’t remember anything specific , I’m so jealous of people who can remember their childhood. But maybe mine is blocked for a reason, I know my mother was really bad to us, beat us for no reason and talked to us as if she didn’t want us to be alive. My grandmother, I don’t remember how she used to be, and she raised me, why is that? I usually don’t think about it but I don’t remember anything, no emotions , barely any memories , its not the first time its always been like that. I forget the emotions behind a memory